


Sleepless Souls

by meredithhildebrand



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Gen, Has anyone done this yet?, So much angst, because I haven't seen it before but whatever, we finally have Natasha's point of view
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-10 02:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11117853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredithhildebrand/pseuds/meredithhildebrand
Summary: My mother's funeral didn't even seem real. I remember it being a compilation of damp eyes, hands tightly clutching at bunches of fabric, bodies trying to hold themselves together but failing in the midst of everything.





	Sleepless Souls

_**BAZ**_  

 

My mother's funeral didn't even seem real. I remember it being a compilation of damp eyes, hands tightly clutching at bunches of fabric, bodies trying to hold themselves together but failing in the midst of everything.  
Failing to realize that I was the reason my mother died.  
I remember my father's empty gaze, looking at everything almost as if it wasn't in front of him.  
_Empty. Hollow. Soulless._  
He looked at everything like it was a world away. Too far, too distant, to be able to fathom.  
I remember feeling like _I_ was the reason he looked like that.  
Fiona didn't let go of my hand for the whole funeral service. I remember her eyes, dark and hard as steel. Unable to register what was really happening. Unable to see that she was holding the hand of a monster.  
Maybe her holding my hand was her trying to keep herself together. Maybe I was an anchor for her. Maybe _I_ was tying her to the world, not letting her float away.  
I felt like I was going to float away if I didn't have something to anchor me to the Earth's surface. My body felt like a lightweight, like I was a feather that was drifting away with the wind.  
Nothing felt real. Nothing felt tangible.  
Everything felt empty, like a hollowed-out shell. Quick glances, quiet whispers, the sounds of people giving their condolences.  
I felt numb.

" _I'm so sorry for your loss."_

" _She was a legend."_

" _It wasn't her time."_

_"She was a hero. We'll always remember her."_

" _She deserved better."_

_It wasn't her time._

It was sickening. I remember feeling unattached to the whole thing. As if me being there wasn't necessary.  
Eventually, everything faded into a grey canvas. Blank, unfamiliar, empty.

Maybe me loving her was an act of vanity. Because I killed her. And I was forced to deal with that.

I think what hurt me the most was knowing that I couldn't do anything to fix it. I was helpless, a speck of nothing.

I couldn't do anything. All I could do was just stand there, clasping my hands together, my nails cutting thin lines into my palms. 

I felt like I could've broke right there, into a million pieces, unable to be put back together again.

I remember thinking that I would be left there and no one would even notice. Maybe I wasn't worth all of the trouble.

 

I killed my mother, after all. 

 

Maybe no one would want to save me. She didn't want a monster for a son.

 

No one does.

 

**_NATASHA_ **

 

I see Tyrannus holding onto Fiona's hand. His expression is empty, placid, blank.

_His skin is so pale._

I know that I shouldn't have left. I didn't want to, originally. I thought that I was strong enough to stay. 

But when I saw Tyrannus being held by that vampire, I knew that I wouldn't be able to help him.

I never wanted to bring him harm. I knew that there was no spell that could erase the venom of the bite of a vampire, and I couldn't bear being able to see him grow into a monster.

I knew that he would see it as my fault. I should've been able to help him, I should've been able to protect him, _I should've, I should've, I should've._

I didn't want to be the cause of the pain that he would have to deal with. 

I knew that I couldn't live with myself if I survived. I would look at my son, and see a monster. A monster that _I_ caused.

He was only a child. He was much too young to have that sort of fate forced upon him. 

In the end, I knew that I would be helping him by being gone. 

He doesn't realize this now. But someday, I know he will. He'll know that the reason why I left him was because I knew that he would be better off without me.

By leaving, I gave him his best chance. 

I know that he'll see me as weak because of what I did.

All I wanted was to leave him a future that wasn't already drawn on. I wanted him to decide how his own life turned out. I didn't want to influence any of it. 

When I saw him being held by that vampire, with its sharp fangs bending over Basilton's neck, I lost all of my desire to keep going. 

It would all be over. I couldn't keep myself there.

I felt like I would ruin him if I did, and I would never wish that on him. He deserves something better than that. 

I know that he'll still reach out for me in the dark, when he thinks he needs me, when he thinks that I can somehow teach him something about the world that he lives in. I know that he'll hold onto the idea of me, how he saw me as something more. I know that he'll want something different. Something other than what he was given.

It's easy to lose yourself. But it's even harder to find yourself again. 

I want him to learn that he _can_ find himself again. He doesn't have to lose himself in the midst of everything. Even if he feels like it's the only way to make a difference. 

He'll wait for me. I can see him, someday in the future, staring up into the midnight sky, counting the stars and wondering why I had the audacity to leave him there in the first place. I know he'll be angry with me.

There's always light out there. Even if he can't see it at first. There _always_ is. He just needs to find it. He needs to look past the imperfections of his life, and see that he's not worthless or unwanted.

I know that he'll be afraid. I wouldn't expect anything different. I know that he'll be scared of what's lurking around the corner, scared of the monsters under the bed, scared of the fire inside of him that burns so brightly. I know that he'll want to burn down everything in his path, because that's what I did. I forced myself to see all of the bad in the world, instead of the good. It was all too easy to let myself lose sight of what I really stood for. 

I want to visit him one day. Not anytime soon, no. When he's older. Old enough to realize that the monsters he thinks are following him aren't actually doing so. A day when he's able to accept that some times things fall apart so that better things can fall into place. 

He has so much power inside of him. He'll be able to set his world on fire. He'll be able to make bridges burn. Able to make the ground shiver beneath his very own feet. 

He'll be able to hold the world in his own hands. 

Hopefully he'll put aside his anger, and his hate, and find a way to move through it all. Hopefully he'll be able to get through to the other side of the tunnel. I want him to learn how to handle his own fire, without it threatening to burn him alive.

Hopefully he'll be able to find a way to love, despite everything. Hopefully he'll be able to look up to the stars at night and see that some things are meant to be unknown. 

He deserves so much more than he thinks he does. He's _worth_ so much more. 

                       

     

                          ~END~   

**Author's Note:**

> this was the product of me being in the mood to write angst.  
> I hope you guys all enjoyed this, I think that I'll probably be starting an actual chaptered fic sometime during the summer:)  
> thank you all for reading, I hope that you guys enjoyed it!


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